Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership

As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.